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One Life

Lately, I have been racking my brains with many books (an average of 300-pages book in about 10 hours)

…books on passages and stages of life…books on psychology and self-actualisation…books on feminity and marriages…books that can churn up so much turmoil and emotion in me and force me to re-look into every corner of my life again to wonder if I have lived everyday to my fullest…

At this very moment, I am asking myself
-“If I were to be re-born in this family and to re-live every single day of my life being enmeshed inside this constant question of who I really am, will I still want everything to be the same?”

Looking back in my life and looking at other people’s lives, it seemed that everyone’s life has his ups and downs; blessings and struggles.

No one’s life is completely smooth…

A brief peep into my life (uncensored thoughts):

Everyday is tormenting for me with surprises coming to greet me, good and bad. Torment that comes from my inner voice….topping up by my anxiety that I seemed to never get away from…an inner voice to stop me from speaking my mind, an inner voice that stopped me from being my true spontaneous self…an inner voice that impedes my progress…and constantly throw me back to square one…

Being raised up in a single-parent family, my only idol is my mother…who has painstaking raised me up over these years…no amount of giving back to her can compensate the amount of tears, sweat and blood she had lost while raising me up. Even losing my life for her will not suffice…

My dad left me when I was 14…but his influence and impact on me was strong and deeply-rooted inside me…I only remember what my mother shared about what my dad told her, “I know I can’t give you everything; I will do my best to give you what you deserve.”

Right now, I hold on to this invaluable lesson dearly…making sure I deliver the same thing to my wife…

Since childhood, I have this anxiety inside me ever since don’t know when…as if I’m encapsulated in this capsule of anxiety…it is always circling around my life…and I have no idea when it will go away…

Anxiety leads me to stutter…thanks goodness…I’m a mild stutterer only when anxious. I confess I have word blockage in my mind ever since my teens. Not sure if anyone of you feel that I steer abit from normality…(one of my beliefs is every one has certain form of disability; no one is perfect.) I will panic when I think that I will block on the next word…the fear inside is indescribable…

I’m glad my wife really understands me…she felt the coldness in my hands…the cold stare of my eyes…the cold body that she embraces…whenever I’m anxious…I owned part of my happiness and my confidence to her…for making my life so perfect…for making me believe who I really am and grow my strengths.

So now looking back, will I want to live my life again?

…I give you a 100% YES!…a life like this is certainly torturous emotionally, having to fight the demon in me, but I’m willing to continue to fight this demon as long as I can continue to stay by her side…

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