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You Date the Adult, You Marry the Child

Marriage includes four, not two. Recently I have read this book titled “Unlocking the secrets of your childhood memories”. This book talks about how we as adult still behave as child most of the times. There is nothing wrong with this because everyone is doing it. It is just that whether they are aware of it.?


As the title suggests, we date the adult who is always on the best behavior. When couples got married, most married with high expectations that may tumble down fast. Some expectations can be unrealistic like must spend all his/ her time with me, must be able to read my mind, must know what the other spouse is thinking, must tell me “I love you” everyday (if not may think the spouse doesn’t care for the other anymore). and the list goes on.

Many times, while we were growing up as a child into adult, we may have more of certain things and may lack other things. For example, the husband may come from a family that doesn’t openly show love such as hugging. However, for the wife, she grows up among family members who hugs each other as way of showing care and concern. After marriage, the wife will be expecting the husband to hug her all the time (and the husband may feel uncomfortable in the first place or he may assumes one or two hugs will suffice.) Then, the wife may get angry and the husband may feel akward. Then, they may end up quarreling over the number of hugs she deserves. Yes, this is the presenting issue. But they have not understood the underlying issue is the different environment both are brought up as a child.

For those of you who feel this is confusing, do be fair to yourself and allow yourself enough time to process and digest what you have read. I feel this book can help us understand many couples each other better. Hope this info helps!!!




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2 Responses to “You Date the Adult, You Marry the Child”

  1. 1
    Janice Says:

    Just thought of commenting on this statement “Marriage includes four, not two” – Actually, it includes more than 4! In fact, it includes the families of both parties, as I found out after my own wedding. Can be a huge challenge if both comes from very different families….. The challenge is even bigger for the wife if the mother-in-law is very needy or demanding.
    Apart from reading books to better prepare oneself for marriage, it will be good to attend a marriage preparation course. Some FSCs offer these courses. I highly recommend couples to attend these courses so that they can sort out some of their unspoken expectations for one another, eg. how often to visit in-laws, how to handle money issues, family planning etc.

  2. 2
    Sterling Silver Says:

    Your post is on target. Keep it up.

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